31 posts tagged “funny” (page 2)

Can there be just one fucking thing from my childhood that didn't lead me down the path of iniquity? Check this shit out:

"In his diaries, my father talks about having to write another of those cursed books," the author's son told one interviewer, "in order to earn another $100 to buy coal for the furnace." He'd "inject his wonderful sense of humor," McFarlane's daughter once remembered, to make the writing project "palatable."

McFarlane's magnum opus was a 1929 masterpiece of dirty double meanings called — what else — The Secret of the Caves. Within a few chapters, an elderly male shopkeeper is warning the Hardy Boys and their two male friends to stay away from the mysterious beach because "There's some queer things been goin' on down there lately." And what exactly does that mean, asks the Hardy Boys' friend — Biff.

"Nobody knows. But there's been queer lights seen down around them caves. And shootin'. Guns goin' off. Mighty queer doin's, they say..."

Chet whistled softly. "This sounds good! We may stay longer than we had intended..."

Wikipedia says the word "queer" already had sexual overtones by the late 1800s. 

The four teenagers are on summer vacation, so there's time for some sleuthing. When they buy camping supplies, the old shopkeeper re-iterated again that it's a dangerous cave full of queer doins, and Frank "smiled at this thrust."

But his younger brother Joe was even more enthusiastic.

"The one thing we're afraid of is a quiet outing. Excitement," he added slangily, "is our meat."

"Ye'll get lots of it if ye go pokin' around them caves," the old gentleman predicted.

Chapter 17 veers suddenly into startlingly unwholesome territory.

Frank halted and peered through the fog at the base of the rocks some distance ahead.

"Do you see somebody lying there, Joe...? Seems like a man sprawled on the sand...."

The boys hastened across the rocks in the direction of the figure on the shore...

They came up to the man sprawled on the sand. He was not dead. An empty bottle lying by his side told the reason for his slumber.

"He's drunk!"

"What shall we do with him?" asked Joe.

Frank groped in his pocket and produced a length of stout cord.

"We'll tie him up first!"

"What if he puts up a fight?"

"He's too drunk."

They throw hat-fuls of water into in his face to revive him — but when he wakes up, they keep throwing more water at him.

"Hey! What's this?" roared the car thief indignantly. He had just discovered that his wrists were bound.

"Just a little joke," said Frank.

Water was streaming down the man's face. He was thoroughly aroused by now.

Shit, and here I thought I enjoyed those books for so many years because they were complex and engaging. Turns out they were just clicking my fag-button.

What am I gonna lose next, 'The Goonies'? Madeleine L'Engle? I hereby refuse to read any re-examinations of 'The Neverending Story', 'The Princess Bride', Jonathan Brandis, Dino-Riders, Mega-Man, Right Said Fred, or that sitcom with the girl-robot. I don't need any more essays gaying up an otherwise wholesome childhood. 

If I ever become a porn star, though, my name is definitely going to be Queer Doin's.

Courtesy of Overheard in New York:

Little boy: It smells like an STD in here.
--E train

Father to three-year-old son: The ruler of the universe says to stop chattering.
--7th Ave, Park Slope

Scolding mother to little son as she yanks him along: You tryin' to be hip? You tryin' to be a hipster? Is that how they do it?
--Prospect Park

Mom to infant who keeps dropping his toy: Okay, let's try this -- how 'bout I throw you on the ground?!
--13th & 5th

Mother to chatty child: Don't you have your pacifier? So pacify!
--Kingsborough Community College, Brooklyn

Father to small child: Is that from China? Get that out of your mouth!
--Long Beach, Long Island, New York

Mom to kids: What do you want for dinner? Burger King or Dunkin' Donuts?
--42nd St & Queens Blvd

Little girl pointing at black receptionist: Pocahontas!
--Dermatologist, UES

Nine-year-old boy: George Bush likes the Jews. That's why only Jews are allowed to hitchhike.
--Main St

Old man to two-year old: Man, talking to you is like fucking talking to a brick wall.
--F train

• Denmark is a small enough country that everyone seems to get the flu at the same time. I knew sickness was inevitable last week when my boss, my roommate and about five of my friends were all wheezing as one. I spent Monday to Thursday in 'Misery'-caliber bedriddenness, coughing meekly and feeling guilty about the felony neglect of my dissertation.
• I've been positively obsessed with the 1960s workplace drama 'Mad Men'. After 13 relentless hours of misogyny, racism, adultery, skinny ties, chain-smoking, pregnancy denial and Nixon references, I feel like I understand my parents and my grandparents a hell of a lot better.
• I bought a new bike. I probably spent too much money, and I ended up buying one that says 'Turbo!' along the side, which makes absolutely no sense on a person-powered machine, but whatever. My morning commute has gone from 18 minutes down to 11, mostly because my chain no longer falls off after every curb, bump and cigarette butt. Subsequently, I no longer have Mechanic Fingers at work, yet another upside.
• I found a store near my house that sells sweet potatoes! I know I shouldn't be this excited about root-veg, but carotenoided Americana is serious fetishry 'round these parts. Again, I probably paid too much (Turbo!), but sometimes you just gotta chomp on some tubers. 
• I read the other day about a proposed 'Blue Card' scheme for Europe, which would allow non-EUers (me!) to get a EU-wide visa if they score a legit work contract, allowing them to estabish residency, receive benefits and move around the EU for work, just like real Europeans, wheee. The proposal strikes me as fair, reasonable and completely necessary for the birth-reluctant EU of the future. Which pretty much means it won't make it any further than the intern-'bicle at the European Parliament.

Meanwhile, this is funny:

And so is the story behind this:

Don't you love articles that confirm your deepest, most proudly held prejudices?

Almost half of America's rich say they're unhappy in marriage, a study found. What's worse: More than that say they've been unfaithful in the last three years. Of those confessing to an affair, more were women (61%) than men (43%). The reason cited most frequently by both sexes: variety.

That's right, rich people are assholes, just like us.

That's according to Prince and Associates, a Connecticut firm that tracks the habits of the rich. They asked 433 breadwinners (56% male and 44% female) with a net worth over $1 million about their relationships.

This is based on just 400 people? OK, so the study's not exactly watertight. But fuck it, I've written off entire regions of the world based on meeting one or two assholes from there. I'm looking at you, Central Asia.

30% of Prince’s survey group said they were considering a divorce. Most men responding to the survey (75%) said cost is their main obstacle to getting a divorce, and 61.5% said they feared it would hurt business dealings and opportunities. Just 7.7% of men cited harm to the kids.

There's a lot of quiet, bourbon-fueled family dinners going on in the suburbs right now.

Still, it seems like many people plan for eventual separation. About 56% of women in the survey said they had hidden or protected assets, while 36% of the men said they had done so. Those with more than $10 million were three times as likely to have hidden or protected assets.

Wait, so marriage is really just another social medium in which to hoard money, keep secrets and mentally scar children? Gays need in on this now.

In a snapshot from the utter hollowness that is my existence, the best thing to happen to me this week was something I read on the internet: Check out these Wednsday One-Liners from Overheard in New York.

Thugged-out camp counselor: Twenty dollars to get in?! This place better have an open bar 'n' some shit!
--Bronx Zoo
Suit during presentation: We are a global company with a tremendous reach-around.
--810 7th Ave
Metromosexual on cell: Lady-fag and Rainblow Brite are getting married.
--Bedford & 5th, Brooklyn
Man to woman: So, he told you he wasn't dating anybody, but he didn't tell you he was married?
--11th & Broadway
Black guy to friend: Man, what you gotta do is you gotta go down to the dog track and get it poppin' with those extreme titties!
Lady yuppie: I mean, at first I thought he was seriously psycho, but then I started to think, Maybe he's just being creative...
--Outside NY Public Library
Doctor: I Google everything! I treat my patients with Google.
--Mt. Sinai School of Medicine, 98th & Madison
Girl on cell: What the fuck? I mean, if you want to say hi, just write it on my Facebook wall!
--116th & Broadway

This was the headline on Yahoo! News today:

Because nothing pays tribute to 31 murdered students like reminding the suvivors that their school's life-size talking stuffed animal wants their hearts to go on.

I'm sure the tributes to Columbine would have been similarly moving if we had all been reminded of the Fighting Chipmunk that lives in us all.

NYU boy, about man with cane and sunglasses: Why do all blind people have to wear sunglasses?
NYU girl: Isn't it all part of the persona?
NYU boy: What, like they don't want me to see their eyes?
NYU girl: I guess. And like how they wear baggy pants and FUBU shit.
NYU boy: ...I said 'blind people.'

--F train, 14th St

That's it, I'm moving to New York.

Frat boy #1: Dude, you got really skinny. What's going on with you? Are you sick or something?
Frat boy #2: Yeah, bro, I have IBS -- Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
Frat boy #1: You're shittin' me!

--91st & 1st

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Remember how I was all excited about my 'Gecko vs. Ants' getting 7,000 YouViews? Well, "Fox on a Trampoline" has 700,000. Are people seriously just sitting in their cubicles thinking of cute animals to pair with potentially entertaining objects and Googling it? If there aren't already videos for 'Goat on a jet-ski', 'Elephant in a Prius' or 'Dolphin on a roller coaster', go make that shit now. Them's click-bait.

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Remember when they used to make movies that were just a series of sketches? 'The Kentucky Fried Movie' is possibly the most famous of this mini-genre, but my favorite was always 'The Groove Tube'. Maybe it's only because I first saw this movie through the soft focus of a haze of pot smoke, but it holds up pretty well. This one's worth watching all the way through: