29 posts tagged “funny”

Sweats

via

... for Seattle.

Chris Rock said this at a show the other day: 

"I love Seattle 'cause it's the home of Starbucks ... and the home of Sir Mix-A-Lot. 'Baby Got Back' is for amateurs. 'Posse on Broadway' is the cut."

Any non-Seattleites know what he's talking about?

From Prolific Squalor [a blog of IM conversations]:

A: I drunk-dialed C Friday night, apparently.
A: My ex
B: Wow. You don’t remember doing this
B: ?
A: I DO NOT.
A: In fact, when discussing the night’s events with someone who was also there, I said, “Well, at least I didn’t drunk-dial C.”
B: Wow. That is catastrophic intoxication, when you don’t remember doing things
A: This is a lot of things.
A: First of all, I don’t have C’s number in my phone anymore, so I not only remembered it (not hard to believe) but dialed it accurately. This is on top of arranging for a place to stay and making a pretty long journey on foot to get there.
B: That’s funny
A: I also woke up and found I’d done my taxes.

My Seattle friend, on becoming friends with someone he used to dislike:

One, or perhaps both of us, has become less conceited and self righteous (I'm thinking him, because if anything I think I'm worse).

compiles real IM conversations. Watch:

A: In my endless isolated time, my mind has created new compound insults.
A: Through free association at first, but then they became hardened.
A: I’ve found that adding “mother” to specific sex acts creates a much more obscene expression than merely “motherfucker.”
B: I can see that
A: Adding in shit-related stuff really takes it to the next level.
A: If I walked down the street mumbling these things audibly, I’d be sent to an institution.
B: One of my favorites is to use an insult that is completely inane, or simply disturbing. Such as, “Even your momma wouldn’t suck your dick, man!”
B: And then treat it as though it was devastating.
A: That does seem like a sound strategy.
B: I like using “syphilitic”
B: Like “syphilitic dick scar”
A: That is a great one.
A: Herpetic is also fun.
A: “open herpetic sore”
B: Definitely
B: Many of the venereal diseases work
A: You reeking flow of gonnerheal pus!
A: I think we’ve opened a whole new class of insults here that are vastly underused.
A: Don’t accuse the person of even having the disease — just directly call them the symptom.
B: hepatitic B motherfucker
A: You blackened hepatitic liver
A: Hairy anal wart would be nice.
A: Or calling them the hair itself, growing out of an anal wart.
B: shit-stained hair growing out of an anal wart
A: Yes!

Last weekend me and a friend saw an epic indie band in a cellar-venue:

Me: How the hell do you dance to this music?

Friend: Like it hurts.

I paid a dollar for this book today at a used bookstore. Did America force publishers to send all their best race-baiting lit to New Zealand in the 80s or something?

Back in the era when you were allowed to write books like this, I wonder what the average distance was between the word 'Jews' on the cover and a graphic of a giant diamond. On this one it's about 7 cm.

The inside cover text is appetizing:

That's John Shaft. Supercool private eye on an incredible retainer from seven Hassidic Jews - Diamond merchants who decide this dark uptown dude is mean and wily enough to handle a caper involving five murders, synthetic jewels, the mid-east arms race and an international shyster with dreams of ruling the world - until he runs into SHAFT AMONG THE JEWS

I think I had an 'incredible retainer' in the seventh grade. I'm already hooked.

When police asked the man what caused the accident, his one-word answer was "pterodactyl."

Can there be just one fucking thing from my childhood that didn't lead me down the path of iniquity? Check this shit out:

"In his diaries, my father talks about having to write another of those cursed books," the author's son told one interviewer, "in order to earn another $100 to buy coal for the furnace." He'd "inject his wonderful sense of humor," McFarlane's daughter once remembered, to make the writing project "palatable."

McFarlane's magnum opus was a 1929 masterpiece of dirty double meanings called — what else — The Secret of the Caves. Within a few chapters, an elderly male shopkeeper is warning the Hardy Boys and their two male friends to stay away from the mysterious beach because "There's some queer things been goin' on down there lately." And what exactly does that mean, asks the Hardy Boys' friend — Biff.

"Nobody knows. But there's been queer lights seen down around them caves. And shootin'. Guns goin' off. Mighty queer doin's, they say..."

Chet whistled softly. "This sounds good! We may stay longer than we had intended..."

Wikipedia says the word "queer" already had sexual overtones by the late 1800s. 

The four teenagers are on summer vacation, so there's time for some sleuthing. When they buy camping supplies, the old shopkeeper re-iterated again that it's a dangerous cave full of queer doins, and Frank "smiled at this thrust."

But his younger brother Joe was even more enthusiastic.

"The one thing we're afraid of is a quiet outing. Excitement," he added slangily, "is our meat."

"Ye'll get lots of it if ye go pokin' around them caves," the old gentleman predicted.

Chapter 17 veers suddenly into startlingly unwholesome territory.

Frank halted and peered through the fog at the base of the rocks some distance ahead.

"Do you see somebody lying there, Joe...? Seems like a man sprawled on the sand...."

The boys hastened across the rocks in the direction of the figure on the shore...

They came up to the man sprawled on the sand. He was not dead. An empty bottle lying by his side told the reason for his slumber.

"He's drunk!"

"What shall we do with him?" asked Joe.

Frank groped in his pocket and produced a length of stout cord.

"We'll tie him up first!"

"What if he puts up a fight?"

"He's too drunk."

They throw hat-fuls of water into in his face to revive him — but when he wakes up, they keep throwing more water at him.

"Hey! What's this?" roared the car thief indignantly. He had just discovered that his wrists were bound.

"Just a little joke," said Frank.

Water was streaming down the man's face. He was thoroughly aroused by now.

Shit, and here I thought I enjoyed those books for so many years because they were complex and engaging. Turns out they were just clicking my fag-button.

What am I gonna lose next, 'The Goonies'? Madeleine L'Engle? I hereby refuse to read any re-examinations of 'The Neverending Story', 'The Princess Bride', Jonathan Brandis, Dino-Riders, Mega-Man, Right Said Fred, or that sitcom with the girl-robot. I don't need any more essays gaying up an otherwise wholesome childhood. 

If I ever become a porn star, though, my name is definitely going to be Queer Doin's.

Courtesy of Overheard in New York:

Little boy: It smells like an STD in here.
--E train

Father to three-year-old son: The ruler of the universe says to stop chattering.
--7th Ave, Park Slope

Scolding mother to little son as she yanks him along: You tryin' to be hip? You tryin' to be a hipster? Is that how they do it?
--Prospect Park

Mom to infant who keeps dropping his toy: Okay, let's try this -- how 'bout I throw you on the ground?!
--13th & 5th

Mother to chatty child: Don't you have your pacifier? So pacify!
--Kingsborough Community College, Brooklyn

Father to small child: Is that from China? Get that out of your mouth!
--Long Beach, Long Island, New York

Mom to kids: What do you want for dinner? Burger King or Dunkin' Donuts?
--42nd St & Queens Blvd

Little girl pointing at black receptionist: Pocahontas!
--Dermatologist, UES

Nine-year-old boy: George Bush likes the Jews. That's why only Jews are allowed to hitchhike.
--Main St

Old man to two-year old: Man, talking to you is like fucking talking to a brick wall.
--F train