The Straight Man’s Guide to Getting Hit on by Gays

1. This will probably never happen to you anyway, so stop being paranoid. Gays mostly stick to their own, and besides, you’re probably not attractive enough to get past our raptor-like imperfection detectors. The reason we’re looking at you like that is because we’re judging you, not lusting. Furthermore, despite our reputation, gays are the most banter-inept demographic group outside of a spelling bee, and we only talk to strangers when we’re drunk.

2. Not all gays who talk to you are hitting on you. There are a million reasons why one person strikes up a conversation with another at a bar, a social event or in line for the ATM. If a proximate wrist-flipper looks at you and says something like ‘Wow, this bus sure is late, huh?’, assume innocent intentions.

3. Unless, of course, one starts a conversation with you at the gym. There is no reason ever to do this, and anyone who makes chit-chat between treadmills (or, for the love of God, in the locker room) is hitting on you. Deal with it.

4. Deal with it. Despite what movies, sitcoms and the Republican National Convention may lead you to believe, gays don’t make lascivious passes at straight guys in the real world. We might smile or say hi, but we’re just feeling you out. If a nearby guy is cute, we figure we might as well greet him and assess the dilly. We’re not mentally measuring you for our leather dungeon or anything.

5. Chat, damn you. If a gay guy says something about the weather (I told you we were socially inept), just respond like you would with any non-Sodomite conversationalist. You’re not going to accidentally speak in Gay Code or anything.

6. If, however, you have a friend whose name happens to be Dorothy, I wouldn’t mention her at this stage.

7. Convey ‘I’m straight’ in a friendly way. Just throw in ‘Oh, you like Mamma Mia? My girlfriend loved that too.’ Or ‘Yes, I have been working out a lot lately. I’ve been stressed since the Patriots lost to the Jets.’ If the opportunity doesn’t immediately present itself, just end a few sentences with ‘bro’.

8. Don’t say some shit like ‘No offense, but I’m straight.’ Thanks for your Mother Theresian depths of tolerance, Chad, but you’ve just made us feel like a kiddie-pool pervert. Imagine striking up a conversation with a woman next to you on a flight and getting ‘I’m married!’ within 15 seconds. If we weren’t judging you before, we are now.

9. We recognize your straightness. The fact that we are still chatting to you even though you’ve mentioned your fictional Swedish girlfriend multiple times does not mean we ‘won’t take no for an answer’. If anything, our intentions are even more innocent now that it’s established that the plug and the outlet are a different voltage.

10. Forget about it. Every gay guy has straight friends he originally chatted up because he thought they were cute (we will never admit this, however, so don’t ask specifics), and any proper g’adult will simply cross your name off his ‘potential free breakfast’ list and continue getting to know you. Or he’ll just smile and nod until he can ask what your brother looks like.